Hey, now! It's that time of year again. Tired of wracking your brain trying to pick out the perfect gift for that special someone? Are you lazy, depressed and slovenly? Do you see each day as another slog through the mud in the interminable march towards death? Well, worry no more. We're here to help!
The first item up for bid on The Price is Right is something no respectable kitchen can do without. A graham cracker microwave-powered hydraulic press. Because folks apparently want s'mores more than four or five times in a lifetime, and those times were usually because you're humoring an aunt at a campground who thinks making s'mores will distract from the obvious fact that Uncle Joe has a serious drinking problem. But, seriously, adding gummy bears is cheap and whorish. Don't be that guy. Keep it classy.
The next item in the Flimsy Rationales Christmas cornucopia is the always handy portable pizza oven. It plugs right into your dashboard! Who among us hasn't been driving for hours and hours and wishes that they could cook a melty, greasy, piping hot pizza right on the front seat? "Sorry, officer, I'm guilty. Guilty of spectacular pizza in the second degree." Only $36! Oven mitts and dignity sold separately.
Now this little beauty is a long time in the making. Got problems with pesky varmints? Immigrants? The alarm clock? Is the significant other coming to bed with just a wee bit too much attitude, and not enough tender loving care? Problem solved.
Back to the kitchen for our next item. I've lost track of how many times I've gone to the grocery store, bought a metric ton shitload of testicles, and then let them go bad in the fridge. With this handy-dandy cookbook, you'll never go nuts with too many balls in the air at one time, and end up being sacked by your testy family for a loss (I'm so, so sorry). Stovetop Testicle Goulash? I'm staying! Nom-nom-nom.
And our final item in this installment of the buying guide, the CHRIST-mas tree. I speak for the majority when I say that I'm simply sick and tired of my secular humanist atheistic socialist liberal friends and their religion-bashing new-age Christmas trees. Sure, the sight of a large cross representing where the Lord and Savior was tortured and killed formidably looming over the kids' Tickle Me Elmo and Fun-Time Barbie might present some confusion and uncomfortability, but let's not ever forget what the season is all about. NEVER, EVER, EVER!
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