January 28, 2010

Man Rant - This Week's Exercise - Memory and Gender

ME:  So, honey, what do you feel like eating?

SHE:  Why don't you decide?   Be decisive for once. 

ME:  Hmmm.  How about that Chinese place on Route 1?

SHE:  How could you even suggest that place?  Do you remember how after I ordered the appetizer, the waiter took away my soup, which I had hardly touched, because we were discussing whether to drive to New England or not the following weekend.  And the shrimp lo mein only had six shrimps in it.   And I recall that you were a little emotionally distant that night.  That place has all kinds of negative memories associated with it.

ME:  (Trying to recall lunch from earlier in the day, and failing).  Right, I forgot.  In the mood for Mexican? 

SHE:  You choose. 

ME:  Okay, we're going to Rio Bravo.  

SHE:  (Stares).  The same place you got liquored up on margaritas and told me you wanted some "space."  Are you going to tell me you want "space" tonight, too?  What shoes should I wear to a break-up? 

ME:  Jesus.  I don't remember that AT ALL. 

SHE:  Of course not.  Your feelings weren't smashed against the rocks.  I also caught you watching a football game on one of the monitors when you thought I wasn't looking.   I bet you didn't know that.   Sorry to bring it up now, but do you realize that wasn't very respectful to me?

ME:  Honey, I'm sorry.   (Brain in crisis mode.   Trying to remember romantic dinner.   Any romantic dinner.  Chuck anything out of the cerebellum that doesn't apply.   Bye-bye, mental file cabinet of job-necessary training and entire junior year of college.  So long, remnants of Japanese language skills.   What's this file?  Red Sox-Yankees game in the Bronx in 1983 where Dewey Evans hit a fourth-inning dinger which ended up being the difference-maker in a final score of 3-2?  Refile and keep.  That could be important some day.) 

SHE:  You've gotten better since then.   Still a long ways to go, though. 

ME: (DING!  Slot machine hits three cherries.) How about Armando's?

SHE:  Oh, that might be nice.   We hardly ever go to places like that now.  You had two glasses of that Tuscan chianti, and I had a couple sips of the sherry.   Do you think they still have the cheese plate appetizer we shared?  I remember you said that you were pretty sure that you think you thought that you might be in love with me.  You held my hand and looked into my eyes, and at that point I knew that we would be together forever.  And the creme brulee.   Baked just right, with crinkly caramelized skin, golden brown, and light on the almond extract.  A perfect evening from start to finish.  

ME:  Yeah, I remember lucking out and finding good parking.  The matre 'd was kind of a dick, though.

SHE:  Okay.  Glad you finally picked something.  Let's go. 

ME:  Umm.  I can't remember where I left my keys.....  


Sad Trombone sound bite

January 26, 2010

Adventures in Parenting: The Nuclear Family

You never know where your next "teachable moment" is going to come along.  My ten-year old daughter and I have been occasionally playing the PC version of the turn-based simulation game Civilization IV, although never head-to-head against each other.  For those unfamiliar with the Civilization series, a player starts off in 2500 B.C. or so, as a classic society like the Romans, Greeks, Egyptians, Chinese, or Indians, and "grow" the civilization by discovering advances like the alphabet, iron-working, drama, etc.; building Wonders of the World like the Pyramids, Stonehenge, Great Wall; exploring new lands; setting up trade routes; and establishing new cities on continents near and far.   The game can be won in several different ways, including conquering all the other empires on the planet, Risk-style, winning a diplomatic victory in the United Nations, achieving a specific cultural score on or before the clock runs out in the year 2050, or sending a rocket out into space with the people and supplies to colonize a planet.  It's labor-intensive mouse-clicking trying to keep all your cities growing, protected from opposing armies, and ensuring that your populations are happy (which avoids rebellion and increases your GDP).  It's a time-burner and pretty engrossing from the get-go.

Of course, the flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants parental part of me is proud that a ten year old girl (or boy, for that matter) is taking an interest in a game with such complexity, history, civics, and inherent responsibility.   But it's the last aspect or lack thereof that gave me pause last Sunday morning. 

While helping the five year old boy get dressed, I happened to chance a glance over at the computer screen where my daughter was playing the game.  I saw a series of mushroom clouds erupt across the screen.   Apparently, my kid found a cheat code, god knows where on-line, and was hammering the poor bronze-working Egyptian civilization with ICBMs; just mercilessly raining nuclear death from above without warning. 

 Now, I was a teenager during the eighties, when the Russians were the Evil Empire and the Cold War was in full icebox mode. Nuclear armageddon was the 800 megaton gorilla in the room.  Consequently, popular culture was obsessed with mutually assured destruction.   WarGames, Threads, The Day After, The Terminator, the Mad Max films, Testament, One Night Stand, and World War III in cinema and TV, Watchmen, The Postman, Red Storm Rising, Doomsday Plus Twelve, Akira, and When the Wind Blows, in comics and literature, video games like Red Alert and Missile Command, and songs like Nena's "99 Luftballons," Sting's "Russians," and this badly dated gem from Frankie Goes to Hollywood:

Paranoia involving death by immediate disintegration or slow, mutant-inducing radiation is a powerful molding force on a teenage brain.  Still, by the end of the decade, the Berlin Wall fell, there was a McDonald's in Moscow, and somehow I'd end up with a full-blooded Russian wife in the '90s (and a scorched earth divorce from the same in the '00s).

But, alas, the damage was done.  My liberal sensibilities are forever tied to nuclear disarmament, "peace in our time," and conventional war strategems.   In Civilization IV, I usually go heavy on ground troops and only attack when attacked, or more likely, if I'm terribly bored with the current political map or one of the other civilizations' leaders is annoying the shit out of me.  My belligerence has limits though, because after the United Nations civilization advance comes along, I finagle my way into the U.N. Secretary-General chair, and bully through a "no-nukes" resolution.  Nukes are still too scary for me to conceptualize usage of, even in a video game, particularly when I ostensibly need to drop them on other civilizations' cities indiscriminately.

My kid, on the other hand, has no such reservations.   Bombs away.  I try to explain to her that pets, grandparents and little children get decimated even in videogame nuclear attacks, but the hard line on armageddon is a little soft without a similar pop culture apocalyptic message immersion that I bathed in throughout in the eighties.   We just aren't making our kids paranoid enough about instant death these days.               

Golden Age Artist Spotlight -- Lou Fine

Louis Kenneth Fine was born in New York. He studied at the Grand Central Art School and Pratt Institute. He was partially crippled by childhood polio. Among his major influences were Dean Cornwell, J.C. Leyendecker, and Heinrich Kley.

January 22, 2010

Questionable Cover Art #4: Didn't You Die in Vietnam?

Just too many immature sex jokes to choose from here.   Might as well pass a few of them out as one-liners.....
  • "So, is it a Beaver Wagon or a Pussy Wagon?"

  • "Camping out with Beaver ...  worst female masturbation euphemism ever?"

  • "A beaver, a pussy, and a wally.  A menagerie a trois?"

  • "Worst episode of Taxicab Confessions ever?"

You too can play at home.  Ask a twelve year old boy for help.

NFL Playoffs -- Conference Finals Edition

Zach Galianakis doing the running man, a jaguar-skin coat, and Popeye's chicken washed down with Jaegermeister?  It's kind of crazy but it just might work. 

Seeing a homemade Saints Superbowl video, plus this chick,

makes me think that there may be some sort of weird dirtbag karma going on for the Saints.  I believe in dirtbag karma, particularly when there's ample sideboob.  

I'm picking the Saints over the Vikings.   38-31.

I was sort of "meh" when the Colts won their last Superbowl, and barely recall it, even though it was only four years ago (or was it three?).   I think I was finalizing my divorce at that point, so I probably watched the game in a dark room, popping the occasional anti-depressant.   But I really don't like the Colts this year for some reason.   Maybe it's residual irritation with all the Peyton Manning commercials, maybe it's the piggy, overly earnest Indianapolis fan base, as exemplified by this little midwestern choad:

Maybe it's the Patriots rivalry, maybe it's the Mayflower truck in the middle of the night leaving Baltimore.  In any case, I just don't like them, at all.   That leaves me rooting for the Jets by default.   Good enough.

Jets 20, Colts 17.

Enjoy the games this weekend.

January 21, 2010

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200

Interesting to see the Democratic Party continue to pile on Martha Coakley as the primary factor in losing the special Senatorial election up in Massachusetts, and thereby losing the filibuster-proof majority in the U.S. Senate.  Sure, she was a bad candidate and didn't campaign well, but there might be a bigger picture here.  A larger message about the party in power, and the way Washington governs.  First things first, though, the Republicans who are crowing like it's an affirmation of the GOP way of life and a portent for the huge upcoming Republican revolution, well, stop patting each other on the ass, and just shut the hell up and sit down.   Noone likes you.   Bragging now is like congratulating yourself for not getting wood on your wedding night.   You can rationalize it all you want, but all you did was "not lose."  Show some dignity and decorum, for once.  Please.

January 20, 2010

Man Rant -- This Week's Exercise -- Insomnia


10:00 PM  -- Alright, I've got my gym clothes ready for tomorrow.  Starting up the new exercise regimen.  Big plans.  Going to get into work a little early.  Maybe 8:00 AM or so.  Should probably plan to get to bed by midnight at the latest.  That's a good seven to eight hours of sleep, and that's more than enough.  Think I'll hop on-line, check out a few of the usual suspects, play a little on-line poker, and just veg and decompress before bedtime.

January 19, 2010

Golden Age Artist Spotlight -- Bernard Baily

Bernard Baily co-created both The Spectre and Hourman, as well as creating some of the most bizarre and creepy covers ever.    Baily began his comics career under S.M. "Jerry" Iger, who was editor of Wow, What a Magazine!, one of the very first American comic books that reprinted black-and-white newspaper comic strips in color and adding occasional new material as well. For DC Comics precursor National Comics, Baily co-created and drew the adventure feature "Tex Thomson" in Action Comics #1 (March 1938). Most of us know Action Comics #1 for the first appearance of another caped hero. In More Fun Comics #52 (Feb. 1940), Baily and writer Jerry Siegel, Superman's co-creator, introduced the future DC's violent spirit of vengeance, the Spectre. The afterlife alter ego of murdered police detective Jim Corrigan, the character would become of the longest-enduring comic-book creations, revived during the mid-1950s to 1960s Silver Age of Comic Books and continuing into 21st century. Baily as well co-created the frequently revived DC superhero Hourman (dubbed Hour-Man in his earliest appearances), with writer Ken Fitch, in Adventure Comics #48 (April 1940).

January 15, 2010

Compulsory Performance Review -- Cinematic Edition -- Big Fan

What's the difference between "passion" and "obsession"? Between "devoted fan" and "addiction"? Big Fan takes an introspective look into the self-delusional nature of those who claim to be the former, but weave scarily into the latter. It stars Patton Oswalt, who performs excellently as Paul Aufiero, a mid-thirties parking lot attendant who still lives with his mom in Staten Island, drives her car, and spends large parts of his monotonous day scripting smack-talk for a local New York area sports call-in show. His call-ins are anonymous performance art, and provide the only catharsis and real achievement in his life, although Aufiero seems fine with that. He can't even afford to go to the games, but tailgates in the parking lot anyway. His universe more or less implodes when a chance spotting of his Giants linebacker hero leads into a violent beating, and his loyalty to his team is placed in direct opposition to his family's wishes and his own dignity. When his anonymity (and brother's lawsuit against the player) gets exposed by his nemesis, Philadelphia Phil, on the call-in show, Paul decides to respond with appropriate rage and retribution.

Directed by Robert Siegel, who also wrote The Wrestler, the movie is light on sentimentalism and on portraying Aufiero as a hapless, sympathetic victim. Aufiero never focuses on the violence that was done to him by the Giants player, because his devotion to the team would somehow be in question, if he acted contrary to the best interests of the team. Instead, he focuses his rage on the slights of some unknown asshole on the radio. This projection and acting-out allows him to process his feelings (and manifestations) of impotence, rage, and alienation, without actually changing any of his limited life options in response. The last twenty minutes or so of the movie wallow in the dark, vicious, and often homophobic nature of regional sports rivalries, where rites of manhood get passed along on a barstool in a sports bar, profanely, loudly, and full of free-form bravado. I wish I could say that I didn't grow up in an environment similar to that (albeit on the high school football level), but I can't.

Considering that my last rental movie review on this blog was Anvil: The Story of Anvil, it's interesting how they evoke similar feelings of uncomfortableness for their main characters. You want to shake them by the collar, and say "get your shit together," but they are set on certain paths, and really don't define themselves by typical societal standards, to everyone around them's head-shaking disapproval. Big Fan is interesting from a sociological viewpoint almost as much as an entertainment one. Good performances, minimalist directing, subdued lighting and cinematography, and a story-line that avoids easy payoffs and happy-ending sentimentality -- it's an above average rental or Netflix streaming download.

Questionable Cover Art #3: Whole Lotta Love

Little Dot and Richie Rich are the worst kind of enablers.   You have a friend, with an obvious obesity problem, and even worse impulse control issues.  And how do you celebrate her birthday?  By assisting her in eating her pain away, probably towards premature death.  I mean I can understand giving a grossly overweight fat person a freshly caught forty-pound tuna, in this case weirdly wrapped with a pink ribbon and summarily deposited on a presumably dirty floor.  By all indications, it still needs to be scaled, gutted, filleted, and cooked.   That should burn off a few calories, or at least stave off the feeding frenzy for about a half hour or so whilst amid food preparation activities.

But I would expect that the fish will simply rot away in a deep freezer, or be thrown in a dumpster once the party ends, because why would you waste time with omega 5 fatty acids, when there's sweet, sweet pies as tall as a small child.  Why even give fruit when you also give a ridiculous gravity-defying Jenga sandwich that could feed the entire Teamsters organization?  The jar of olives I assume was given in an ironical fashion, i.e., garnish your mammoth roast pig with a toothpick and a pimento, lardass.  That's just really, really cruel. 

If there's any justice, Lotta, at the end of her days, after having losing most of her left foot to diabetes and becoming completely blind in one eye, will realize that her friends really weren't friends at all.  They were laughing at her, not with her.   Her gluttony as performance art was applauded by many, but at what cost to her dignity?  A shame spiral of eating, where she ate because she was disgusted with herself, and thereafter became more disgusted with herself, which led to more eating.... As she rides off on her heavenly Rascal, to that great Vegas buffet in the sky, I can only hope she spits out a blood curse on that obscenely rich bastard and his obsessive-compulsive friend.   

January 8, 2010

Best Fails of 2009

Via College Humor....

This is the kind of "Best of" that I can support every year. One that documents and immortalizes the potential thinning of the herd, i.e., Darwinism in action.

I do hope when I die, though, that it's spectacularly stupid enough and captured on video, so that my children get a large monetary grand prize handed out by Tom Bergeron. (Don't scrimp on the headstone, kids!)

NFL Playoffs -- Wildcard Weekend


Finally. Seventeen weeks and we're thankfully at one-and-done. This is the time of year where the hair stands up on the back of your neck right before kickoff, knowing that all the hype and conjecture means exactly jack-squat. Every year a team gets hot, like Arizona last year, and win-loss records don't mean much.

I think my Patriots get through the first weekend, but after that I'm not too confident. My Superbowl picks? They're probably the two sexy consensus picks right now, but I'm thinking Green Bay and San Diego meet in the final. Explosive passing offenses with decent running games and so-so defenses. In a field without a dominant defensive team ala Pittsburgh from last year, with most of the quarterbacks in the MVP race still playing, there should be a lot of scoring, and teams that consistently score through the air have an advantage. Still, a team like Arizona or Cincinnati could make it all the way through. That's why the second season is so much fun.

For Saturday's games, I like the Bengals over the Jets at home, and, only going by recent history, the Eagles over the Cowboys in Dallas. On Sunday, the Patriots squeak by the Ravens in Foxboro, while the Packers win in a shootout over the Cardinals in Arizona.

January 7, 2010

Man Rant -- This Week's Exercise -- Movie Theaters

With the advent of big screen HD TVs, with 7.1 (fixed) channel speaker subwoofer-enabled surround sound, Blu-Ray DVDs, and streaming hi-definition video, one probably can't blame the large theater chains from attempting to squeeze out every penny of revenue, at the expense of the average movie-going consumer. They're acutely aware that, save for the collective experience involving the groans, cheers, and gasps of a packed house and the size and volume of the presentation (although it should be noted that these are factors that can slide negatively as well as positively), Johnny Q. Public can more or less replicate the entire cinematic experience from the comfort of their own Barcalounger. This technological great leap forward also translates into zero home-based issues with price-gouging, inadequate parking, rude fellow movie-goers, and the non-stop inundation of advertising. When convenience catches up with the previously exclusive sensory experience, that should rightly ring capitalist alarm bells.

It's the pre-movie commercials that irk me the most. I generally don't have a problem with advertising. It IS part of everyday life. Advertising pays for content so I don't have to. That's why the Superbowl isn't on pay-per-view, and it's how the networks, newspapers, magazines, websites, and other content providers continue (or don't continue) to keep the lights on. But the ubiquity of marketing doesn't mean there are not differing degrees of personal interaction. For most people, it comes down to active or passive compliance with advertising. The biggest factor for whether one shows passivity or not may also involve their value of personal time. It may be a by-product of billing time by the hour in law firms for twenty years, but my personal time has intrinsic value to me. I actively resist when the alternative to choice is to be either proselytized to or marketed to. In other words, I don't care what you're selling, be it butter, guns or God, I'd rather check it out on my own based on my pre-determined necessity or desire. If I want or need a car, I'll look around on-line, I'll go to a dealership or three, and let you or your functional equivalents try to sell me a car. But if I don't have to watch a car commercial, because I don't want or need a car, then I will choose whatever means possible to fast-forward through the advert with my DVR, close the pop-up, ignore the billboard, page through the magazine, or most likely on-line, make the advertisement a free-floating part of the background... peripheral, if economically necessary, eye pollution (in lieu of installing an ad-blocker). In any case, I have some semblance of CONTROL over my environment -- perhaps it's illusory, perhaps not -- where I can simply walk (or click) away from an ad. In the theater, that's just not the case. I'm stuck watching fifteen minutes of ads for the National Guard, Coca-Cola, Sprint, and all sorts of non-movie-related hucksterism (I don't have a problem with trailers, per se, as long as there aren't fifteen in a row. I see coming attractions as germane to the reason why I came to the movies in the first place, to see something that interests me). With theater commercials, I'm literally a captive audience, unless I want to show up late, potentially losing a seat or the chance to sit next to someone I want to see the movie with. It's a gambit, where I as the consumer, get to play chicken with a movie's starting time.

This in and of itself isn't the dealbreaker, it's the fact that I'm PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING SHOWN COMMERCIALS. The theaters are taking the dead air between sitting my ass in a seat and waiting for a movie to start as lucrative revenue generators. If I'm at a free or dirt-cheap concert, and Coca-Cola runs a spot or plasters the place with ads in exchange for making the concert free or dirt-cheap, then fine. But there is NO reciprocity in terms of lowering the price of the movie ticket to offset the revenue generated by the in-seat ads. According to sources such as this Slate article, "some advertisers are paying more than $50,000 per screen annually, especially to theaters willing to pump up the volume to near ear-shattering level so that seated customers will pay attention. Since there are virtually no costs involved in showing ads, the proceeds go directly to the theater chains' bottom lines." I find it hard to believe that theater owners can legitimately make the argument that commercials are being shown to keep DOWN ticket prices. We went to a matinee showing of Avatar, with no 3D (fuck 3D movies by the way, a rant for another time), and the tickets were $8.50 apiece. A matinee showing with 3D would have cost $10.50 each, $14.00 per during evening "prime time" showtimes. This is in the D.C. suburbs, not in the middle of Manhattan, by the way. How far can the price point rise where you can legitimately claim that your expenses cannot be met by actual ticket sales, and commercial advertising is necessary to avoid sinking into the red? I hardly feel jaded and cynical to think that captive-audience commercials reflect a profit center, rather than a "cost of doing business." The lack of choice in whether to participate in the commercialist enterprise is the odious part. How about I pay full price for no commercials, and people who want them or don't care one way or the other pay a dollar less and see it on a different screen, hmmm? Because my other alternative is to skip the theater altogether. That works too, and as noted earlier, is becoming less and less of a qualitative difference viewing-wise. And I also get to skip, bypass, fast-forward, or main-menu my way past any fucking commercials.

And then there's the movie theater food. There's a racket. According to the Slate article linked to earlier:
[Theater owners] are in the fast-food business, selling popcorn, soda, and other snacks. This is an extremely profitable operation in which the theaters do not split the proceeds with the studios (as they do with ticket sales). Popcorn, for example, because of the immense amount of popped bulk produced from a relatively small amount of kernels—the ratio is as high as 60:1—yields more than 90 cents of profit on every dollar of popcorn sold. It also serves to make customers thirsty for sodas, another high-margin product (supplied to most theater chains by Coca-Cola, which makes lucrative deals with theater owners in return for their exclusive "pouring" of its products). One theater chain executive went so far as to describe the cup holder mounted on each seat, which allows customers to park their soda while returning to the concession stand for more popcorn, as "the most important technological innovation since sound." He also credited the extra salt added into the buttery topping on popcorn as the "secret" to extending the popcorn-soda-popcorn cycle throughout the movie. For this type of business, theater owners don't benefit from movies with gripping or complex plots, since that would keep potential popcorn customers in their seats. "We are really in the business of people moving," Thomas W. Stephenson Jr., who then headed Hollywood Theaters, told me. "The more people we move past the popcorn, the more money we make."

Greedy bastards. A large popcorn at the Regal theater we went to went for $8.00. That's equivalent to buying at a Safeway or Giant three, probably four, boxes of microwave popcorn, with four to six bags in each box. I could fill a trashbag with that much popcorn. But I'm okay with paying that much for a salty bucket's worth at the movie theaters. And it's deadly -- here are the dietary specs for 1 large popcorn -- 1640 calories, 1134 calories from fat. There are 126 grams of fat in a Regal Cinema large popcorn, which is 194% of the daily recommended value of fat, and a whopping 73 grams are saturated fat, a coronary-inducing 365% of the daily recommended limits. "Would you like extra butter and salt on that?"

Don't like popcorn, how about an $8 egg roll? $7 nachos? How about the Regal's "Kid's Meal" for $6.75, which includes popcorn, candy, and for $1.50 more, a big cup of Freezie/Slushie. Just like mom used to make. Obesity doesn't come cheap, apparently. And how about that customer service? Rarely, and I mean rarely, have I met a group of individuals who either hated me or hated what they do more than the slugs and misanthropes running the ticket and concession counters at the theater chains. I'd rather deal ten times out of ten with the barely English-speaking Guatemalan refugees running things at your average McDonald's over the surly, zit-faced, indignant, high school-remembering-as-the-best-years-of life, wage-slaves at the movies slinging Twizzlers with attitude.

Clearly, the business plan for big chain theaters appears to be entirely reliant on unskilled labor and disposable income, not unlike most drug dealers. And I'm not so sure I can afford the fix anymore. There is probably a bright side though, as now I'm a lot more interested in investigating independent theaters in the Washington D.C. metro area. Maybe I wait an extra month for a popular movie, maybe not. But after the commercially obnoxious saturation bombing I'm seeing from AMC, Loews, Regal and other chains, it might be the best and only valid alternative, even if it costs an extra buck or two...

January 6, 2010

Golden Age Artist Spotlight -- Wally Wood

Wally Wood, for lack of a better term, was a rock star.   He became an undisputed star of the medium in his twenties, drawing some of the best and most memorable science fiction ever created.   Wood's work habits were always petal to the metal, fueled by booze and cigarettes and all-nighters, but incredibly productive.   He pushed for the re-introduction of science fiction into comics, fought for the creative rights of the artist, and pioneered self-publishing through witzend and other publications.   His aliens are unique, his women are luscious and alluring.  He spent twelve years straight building Mad Magazine into an American institution.  And ending up leaving them (and other marquee comic jobs) for little perceived slights.  Wally Wood was a true American original.   Burned out, bitter, and brittle long before his time.  But his legacy continues to grow.

January 5, 2010

Avatar -- Movie Review -- Attack of the Blue Na-Na

Avatar presents the interesting juxtaposition where I want desperately to defend something I found deeply hollow and unsatisfying, just because it looked so damn pretty up on the big screen.   Since I'm pretty much stuck in the Charlie Brown wishy-washy role, I might as well go pros and cons.