January 28, 2010

Man Rant - This Week's Exercise - Memory and Gender

ME:  So, honey, what do you feel like eating?

SHE:  Why don't you decide?   Be decisive for once. 

ME:  Hmmm.  How about that Chinese place on Route 1?

SHE:  How could you even suggest that place?  Do you remember how after I ordered the appetizer, the waiter took away my soup, which I had hardly touched, because we were discussing whether to drive to New England or not the following weekend.  And the shrimp lo mein only had six shrimps in it.   And I recall that you were a little emotionally distant that night.  That place has all kinds of negative memories associated with it.

ME:  (Trying to recall lunch from earlier in the day, and failing).  Right, I forgot.  In the mood for Mexican? 

SHE:  You choose. 

ME:  Okay, we're going to Rio Bravo.  

SHE:  (Stares).  The same place you got liquored up on margaritas and told me you wanted some "space."  Are you going to tell me you want "space" tonight, too?  What shoes should I wear to a break-up? 

ME:  Jesus.  I don't remember that AT ALL. 

SHE:  Of course not.  Your feelings weren't smashed against the rocks.  I also caught you watching a football game on one of the monitors when you thought I wasn't looking.   I bet you didn't know that.   Sorry to bring it up now, but do you realize that wasn't very respectful to me?

ME:  Honey, I'm sorry.   (Brain in crisis mode.   Trying to remember romantic dinner.   Any romantic dinner.  Chuck anything out of the cerebellum that doesn't apply.   Bye-bye, mental file cabinet of job-necessary training and entire junior year of college.  So long, remnants of Japanese language skills.   What's this file?  Red Sox-Yankees game in the Bronx in 1983 where Dewey Evans hit a fourth-inning dinger which ended up being the difference-maker in a final score of 3-2?  Refile and keep.  That could be important some day.) 

SHE:  You've gotten better since then.   Still a long ways to go, though. 

ME: (DING!  Slot machine hits three cherries.) How about Armando's?

SHE:  Oh, that might be nice.   We hardly ever go to places like that now.  You had two glasses of that Tuscan chianti, and I had a couple sips of the sherry.   Do you think they still have the cheese plate appetizer we shared?  I remember you said that you were pretty sure that you think you thought that you might be in love with me.  You held my hand and looked into my eyes, and at that point I knew that we would be together forever.  And the creme brulee.   Baked just right, with crinkly caramelized skin, golden brown, and light on the almond extract.  A perfect evening from start to finish.  

ME:  Yeah, I remember lucking out and finding good parking.  The matre 'd was kind of a dick, though.

SHE:  Okay.  Glad you finally picked something.  Let's go. 

ME:  Umm.  I can't remember where I left my keys.....  


Sad Trombone sound bite

1 comment:

  1. ive been reading your stuff for a few minutes while watching Mitt Romney loose the battle for the white house and i must say, your very entertaining and have a unique writing style. we think very much alike...